10 Best Things about the Budget Crunch
10. As the thermostat settings rise, administrators come to work in shorts.
9. The new music building gets completed 2 months after Governor Crist approves putting plagiarizing students on chain gangs.
8. Trustees agree to provide parity-based domestic partner health insurance “just as soon as Blue Cross/Blue Shield decides not to cover anything anyway.”
7. New T&P guidelines guarantee tenure to assistant professors in physical sciences “if they can figure out how to win the lottery every time.”
6. In collective bargaining, in lieu of raises, University proposes Green Stamps.
5. Public Health faculty with <1.0 FTE are guaranteed a full salary “if they can figure out how to win the lottery every time.”
4. Joint venture with Seminoles to work the Women’s Final Four allows students to place bets through Blackboard.
3. 1,000,000 Green Stamps and you get your choice of SOC or the old Marshall Center. (Environmental retrofitting is your own problem.)
2. Library gets approval to start charging $1,000 per day late fines.
1. 2,500,000 Green Stamps = Lifsey House.