BIWEEKLY EXTRA
UNTIED FACULTY OF ROFLDIA

April 1, 2010

CHAPTER OFFICERS BEGIN ONE-YEAR TERMS AND IMMEDIATELY SCREAM
April 1 is the starting date for one-year terms for all UFF-USF chapter officers. President Sherman Dorn, Vice President Sonia Wohlmuth, Secretary Greg McColm, and Treasurer Paul Terry were sworn in at a midnight ceremony, and they immediately swore back after looking at the state’s financial outlook.

UFR AND USF AGREE TO MEMORANDUM OF UNDERSTANDING ON CATS
The Untied Faculty of Rofldia and the USF Board of Trustees agreed late Wednesday evening on a Memorandum of Understanding that would give cats at USF a form of tenure. “This isn’t just any cat,” explained UFR Chapter President Sherm Dorm. “It’s a cat that’s proven itself worthy of tenure at a Research 1 university.”

FLORIDA RETIREMENT SYSTEM TO BE REPLACED BY ROULETTE WHEEL
Among the bills filed in the Florida legislature this year is one that would require retirees in FRS to put half of their retirement savings on double-zero (00) on a standard roulette wheel. “It’s more exciting than bingo!” said sponsor W.C. Chilblains. For other bills filed this year that would affect FRS, see the DMS’s FRS-bill watch page. Watch especially HB 5701 (eliminating health subsidies for retirees) and SB 2022 (requiring employee contributions to both FRS and ORP), each of which has been approved by its primary sponsor’s chamber.

UFR does not generally approve of your sending your dog to chew on your senators’ and representatives’ office furniture. Calling, identifying the bill in question, and registering your opinion is usually more effective.

TALLAHASSEE MOVING
A little-noticed provision of the senate’s proposed state budget would move the entire city of Tallahassee and most state offices out of Leon County, to Polk County. “How’d that get in there?” a state senator was heard to mutter late Wednesday night after voting for the budget package.

I-4 BUSINESS LEADERS LOOKING TO BRING 2018 WINTER GAMES TO CENTRAL FLORIDA
Business and government officials from ten central Florida counties promised Wednesday that they would work “like the dickens” to bring the 2018 winter Olympic games to the Sunshine State. Said one business owner, “We saw that Florida temperatures this January were colder than in Vancouver and sometimes colder than St. Johns, Newfoundland. It’s worth a shot!” To accomplish this, they promised to work to create 128 new athletic facilities. “It would only cost two bazookazillion dollars,” said one county commissioner, “and they can always be used later to hold political fundraisers or college classes.”

TWITTER COURSE REQUIREMENT
Starting in August, the state’s Gordon Rule Communications course requirement is being replaced by a mandated course on Twitter Communications. All papers will be 140 characters or less.

TODAY’S TRIVIA QUIZ
If you can figure out the hidden pattern in today’s date (04012010) and correctly predict the sequence out to the 200,000th digit, you can win an iPad. (Multiple correct answers will have a winner selected at random.) Submit answers by 5 am today (Thursday, April 1).

DON’T BE A FOOL: JOIN UFF! The United Faculty of Florida (the real thing) can represent only members in grievances. Membership brings professional liability coverage from both national affiliates. You must be a dues-paying member to benefit: download the form and send it in!

Today’s special Biweekly Extra has been hijacked by a frenemy of the usual editor. Sanity will return next week. Well, in the Biweekly at least; no guarantees about the rest of the state.

9. The new music building gets completed 2 months after Governor Crist approves putting plagiarizing students on chain gangs.

8. Trustees agree to provide parity-based domestic partner health insurance “just as soon as Blue Cross/Blue Shield decides not to cover anything anyway.”

7. New T&P guidelines guarantee tenure to assistant professors in physical sciences “if they can figure out how to win the lottery every time.”

6. In collective bargaining, in lieu of raises, University proposes Green Stamps.

5. Public Health faculty with <1.0 FTE are guaranteed a full salary “if they can figure out how to win the lottery every time.”

4. Joint venture with Seminoles to work the Women’s Final Four allows students to place bets through Blackboard.

3. 1,000,000 Green Stamps and you get your choice of SOC or the old Marshall Center. (Environmental retrofitting is your own problem.)

2. Library gets approval to start charging $1,000 per day late fines.

1. 2,500,000 Green Stamps = Lifsey House.

Someone in your family has died unexpectedly. You are devastated, but feel touched when your normally cheap boss sends flowers to the funeral. The next month, you find out your boss has taken the money for flowers out of your paycheck!

Apparently this item was taken from a real story submitted by the victim of this maneuver.